Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline C – “The Lionmen”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

This one is the third storyline of the episode, which means it is the bulk of the hour. Guess what? I don’t have my act together enough to do all of “The Lionmen” so rather than go two weeks without a Super Friends post, I’m splitting them up into parts 1 and 2. It is NOT because this one is particularly epic or has so much material to work with, it is because I do not have the attention span to finish it today. So, with that…

Introduction:  “Deep in space, in a distant galaxy, lies a strange, ominous planet where a frightening business agreement is being made.” – Narrator

Here, we see a round table of various aliens. Their ringleader (HA HA – you’ll get it once I mention he’s a lion) is a lion man. This lionman (named Lionex) is proposing that he will split up Earth into equal sections and each representative gets something they want:

Good luck with the distribution of the separate ice and water, bros.

The best part of this whole episode (three seconds in, so it was a hard twenty more minutes) was a cameo by the Plant Creatures from a previous episode.

It was so inspiring – they seem to have learned to speak perfect English instead of grunting all the time and have obviously taken some business classes and learned to read and write. I think we can all learn something from their drive and determination.

Just to be clear about Lionex’s plan, he’s a-literally a-gonna splita the whole a-planet into a-five pieces a-like a pizza pie, mamma mia!

That means there’s shit everyone wants in every slice, which means there will have to be a bunch of swapping and negotiations like when a group has to pay one restaurant bill instead of just splitting it up into separate bills. But I’m not a fancy talking lion so what do I know.

“There is some form of lower intelligence. You can use them as slaves or eliminate them altogether. I believe they are called, ‘Earthlings.’” Lionex is ALL business, bitches.

 ”Later, miles above the earth in a sophisticated space station.” – Narrator

Not one of those trashy space stations where it’s all cigarette butts and strippers.

The Lionmen take over the sophisticated space station to use it to dispense their “strata ray” to split the earth up.

A note on Lionmen culture and heritage.

We don’t learn much about the Lionmen and their life back on their home planet, but I did gather this little tidbit: the leader gets to have a glorious Tina Turner-like mane of hair:

And then the underlings get underling pageboys:

Something to aspire to, I guess.

The worst kept secret

Superman just happened to be flying in space when the distress call came through. But, Lionex has done his homework, he has prepared a Kryptonite force field which prevents Superman from boarding and screwing everything up from inside the space station.

Lionex starts the strata ray up and begins the process of making individual serving sizes of Earth.

Batman says they have to figure out a way to get on the space station and Aquaman exclaims, “And that calls for a super plan!” A super plan? Well then we’re all screwed.

Phase 1 of the “Super Plan”

Superman causes a distraction by repeatedly hitting the force field with an iron shield while Wonder Woman, Batman, and Robin sneak on board.

“Holy Circuses, lion men!” – Robin

“Suffering subdivisions!” – Robin, after overhearing their Earth splitting plan. Robin is on a roll.

And, in case you were wondering about the nitty gritty science behind splitting the Earth in to 5 bite-sized pieces, Batman breaks it down for us: “They’re shooting a harmless light beam through that huge gem lens, and the lens is creating the Earth-splitting ray.”

The Lion Men catch them casually milling around the gem like there’s no danger whatsoever and start trying to shoot them with freeze rays. Robin manages to get a sample of the lens and then they get out of there. That went surprisingly well.

Everyone meets back at the Hall of Justice and concludes that their superpowers are no match for the ray and the only option is to analyze the lens sample and then create like, I don’t know an antidote lens or something.

WILL they do whatever they think they’re going to do with that lens?

DOES Lionex have the power to rip the Earth apart?

WHO will screw up the most in the next phases of the plan? (Gleek)

DO you give a shit?

Until next week…

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline B – “Pressure Point”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

Safety Segment

Aquaman, if you’re going to help some kid clean and adjust his roller skates, GET OUT OF THE FREAKIN’ WATER to do it.

Maybe he’s standing on the backs of a couple of catfish, but still – just get out of the water.

Synopsis: “A hot sun burns over the desert at Barren Hills, where a young motorcyclist may make his last jump.” – Narrator

We are then introduced to a bunch of svelt, attractive teenagers:

And….Jerry:

Oh, that Jerry! He thinks he can make it up the same hill one of the other teens just conquered, but HE’S JERRY – of course he can’t! He tries anyway and everyone laughs at him.

I wonder if he was the inspiration for Parks and Recreation’s Jerry.

Anyway, their ridicule fuels Jerry to decide to try and jump Rattlesnake Ravine. What a doofus! One of the other teens alerts the Wonder Twins.

We are then treated to a stupid scene of Zan, Jayna, and Gleek ice skating. How do they afford all this recreation? Are they paid by the Justice League?

Back to Jerry the Jerk who thinks he can Jump.

“Don’t do it, Jerry!” cries one onlooking cool teen.

“You can kill yourself!” yells another in a more encouraging tone than I think was intended.

The Wonder Twins arrive just in time to find Jerry in mid-air plummeting to his death.

I know this will shock you, but I take issue with something in this episode.

Zan then throws himself down the ravine in water form, and then announces that he wants to become – “FORM OF, GELATIN DESSERT!”

Unless Jayna became a horse and then they ground her up to make gelatin, I’m calling bullshit. Ice bridge? Ice crowbar? Ice cage? Fine, whatever, they’re made of ice. GELATIN is not a form of water. BOOOOOO BOOOOO, Super Friends.

Also, NO:

Jello  Gelatin dessert wiggles a little bit, it does not completely absorb the shock of a plummeting inept teenage motorcyclist.

But that’s not all, Jerry! Your humiliation continues!

“That’s what I call a super scooper super scoop!” – Jayna, in the form of a giant pelican, who doesn’t understand the concept of shame.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline A – “Forbidden Power”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

Synopsis: “High atop a mountain stands the observatory of Professor Zarkoff (my spelling guess), who has just stumbled upon an amaaazing secret!” – Narrator

First of all, Professor Zakoff has what looks to be five albino leeches on his face:

Maybe they’re for some other experiment that isn’t relevant to this plot.

THIS plot is about a “projectile” Professor Z has been studying. It looks like a really uncomfortable sex toy to me:

I’ll let the PZ explain: “The projectile is from a giant space vehicle. The message on it asks for help! A computerized device known as ‘The Power’ once regulated the giant space vehicle’s entire environment and population. Something went wrong, and The Power turned it’s energies against it’s artificial world.”

If you say so.

Wait, there’s more! He tells his assistant to look through the “neutron telescope” and lo and behold, it’s that giant space vehicle he won’t shut up about! It looks like a cave drawing of the Death Star:

PZ blathers on about how a whole civilization and environment was once in there but now there’s nothing left. Assistant says they need to notify the scientific community and we all know what that means – overly confidant defiant power hungry professor!

“With my teleport device, I will journey into the space vehicle and find….THE POWER!” and then blah blah about how it can ultimately help Earth.

But hold up, he just casually throws it out there that he has a teleport device, like it’s as common as a keychain or bell bottoms. Maybe the albino leeches have something to do with his ability to teleport? Or thinking that he can?

Anyway, PZ makes his assistant come with him, they “go missing,” and the Super Friends are alerted.

“Holy Whereabouts, we better check it out!” – Robin (actual quote)

“According to the mini bat computer, this teleporter has been activated.” – Batman, at the professor’s lab trying to find out where he went.

Even Batman is unfazed by this teleporter, and he doesn’t even have a Bat Teleporter, which he would totally have if they were readily available.

Batman, Robin, and Wonder Woman mozy on up to the Shmeath Star, where there must not have been much oxygen because the animators couldn’t draw very good:

Then, something wonderful happens. While they’re investigating some mysterious footprints:

Aside from Robin getting pinched, it also looks like perhaps Batman got the vapors. But, you would too if this thing grabbed your boy wonder:

I don’t know what to call this thing but it really does look unpleasant.

The Lobrat lives in a cave and takes Robin there. Batman and Wonder Woman manage to pry him loose and chase away the misunderstood rat-lobster abomination with “Bat Animal Repellent Spray,” which apparently doesn’t exclusively work on bats. They find the Professor and his assistant there as well.

And that was enough to learn a lesson and they all went home.

Of course not, you sillies. PZ doesn’t want to leave yet. He found an “electronic map” that will lead him to The Power (do you think that’s what this song is about?). He then somehow causes a cave in so that the others are trapped and he can find The Power.

PZ presses a button on his electronic map and a recording explains that The Power is “evil,” and so unsafe, they buried it so that it could not harm the world with it’s wrath any longer.

And by “buried,” it looks like about as deep as a cat buries a turd.

Way to hide the evil thing that must never be unearthed, alien race.

It’s gettin’, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin’ kind of hectic.

Unearthing The Power brings these guys out of the wood, or stonework. They look like some common ancestor split off and evolved the Oompa Loompas down one line and then these guys down the other. Evolution is truly amazing.

They speak English, by the way. They say that because he uncovered The Power, he must pay.

A nice, traditional choice. Gets the point across but is also comforting, like a scalding hot bowl of soup.

As Robin, Batman, Wonder Woman, and the assistant look on quietly, Batman says he has a plan. Oh, boy. Yay. A Batman plan. Let me guess – everyone runs out there and they all randomly hope it works out.

Yeah, the big plan is that Batman runs out, cuts PZ loose, and then Wonder Woman lassos the green people. I just think if you’re going to proclaim you have a plan, it should be more impressive than that. Like, if they rode in on a trio of Lobrats – that would be a plan.

Finally, finally, The Professor has learned his lesson. Mutant awful lobster-rat monster takes you prisoner to eat later = no lesson learned. Mutant, reasonable bipedal beings dispensing justice via lava = leason learned. Good to know.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11, Storyline D – “Attack of the Killer Bees”

Original Airdate – November 12, 1977

Craft Segment

Batman and Robin show us how to make a “two way phone.” After arriving home at Wayne Manor following an afternoon of crime fighting or something, Batman and Robin find an already-set-up craft station. Huh?

I think we’re all aware of the shitty two-cups-tied-together “phone” craft so I’ll spare the details.

Short Synopsis: “The vast plains of Africa, where wild animals and man live together in peaceful coexistence.” – Narrator

Unfortunately, a fence can’t keep out a swarm of killer bees. This swarm chases people from a distant crop into the village and into a hut.

Aquaman and Samurai are “near Africa.”

Yes, they are “near Africa.” And we wonder why so many people think Africa is a country.

Aquaman says that they have to hurry, and tells Samurai, “I’ll meet you in Africa.” COME ON.

Aquaman swims to Africa, and as we’ve previously learned, Samurai can turn into wind, so he winds there, or blows there, or breezes there, or whatever.

A plan’s just not a plan without a breach of personal space.

I had a very hard time paying attention to the plan Aquaman and Samurai came up with because this is how they were standing while they were planning:

Is he sitting in Aquaman’s lap? What is going on here? They were on a cliff overlooking “Africa,” watching the bees swarm around the hut, so that’s why they’re both facing the same way, but the closeness, the closeness…

Anyway, the plan is for Samurai to anger the bees in wind form, lead them to “the river,” where Aquaman will be waiting, and then he’ll lead the swarm into a net that’s tied between two trees overlooking a waterfall with sharp rocks at the bottom. Aquaman hoped aloud that when he dives over, that he makes it past the rocks and then I hoped that he wouldn’t.

The net, if this were real life (a real life where superheroes exist), would have led to the death of Aquaman if Aquaman is not impervious to bee stings:

Oh, wait, I stand corrected. Apparently killer bees are the size of small birds:

I’m learning so much about bees! Did you know they also “chew” through huts to get at villagers? It’s true!

Somehow this stupid plan works.

The bees are then “taken far back into the back country where they will cause no harm.”

And the small African village of Africa is safe again. Hooray!

Health Segment

A girl flying a kite at the park trips and falls and scrapes her elbow. Aquaman emerges from a nearby pool to help administer first aid.

Y’all, I think Aquaman may be homeless and he stays in this same swimming pool when he’s not on duty.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 11, Storyline C – “Exploration Earth”

Original Airdate – November 12, 1977

Short Synopsis: Some big orb in some little town lands and everyone is wondering what it is. All of a sudden, vacuum arms emerge and start sucking up citizens and vehicles.

But before we get into the plot I will discuss Gleek’s bath in depth.

We cut to the Hall of Justice – Gleek is running away from Zan and Jayna. Zan catches him and says it’s time for his weekly bath. He shoves Gleek into a tub:

Jayna then mockingly tells Gleek to “take it like a monkey,” and then…this is hard for me to talk about…then, Zan turns into water and enters the bathtub and Jayna turns into a horse to wash Gleek with her tail.

Why would this happen? Why would they do this? Why would Zan want to bathe a monkey with himself? How clean can you possibly get that close to a horse’s ass? I would question why Gleek is still dressed but that would have only made the whole thing worse.

“Looks like Gleek is squeaky clean,” exclaims Aquaman, observing the exact opposite of what has happened.

Now that we all know what happened maybe we can pool our money and go to group therapy together.

Mercifully, the Super Friends are alerted to the people-stealing orb and the plot moves on from this nightmare.

The Bore of the Worlds

As you can see, the invading spacecraft look a lot like the ones from The War of the Worlds, and they scoop people up in similar fashion.

Batman and Robin and Superman try to stop the spacecraft and they all suck at it. Superman discovers that it is partially made from Kryptonite so he can’t even go near it (this is a lie, as you’ll see). Point is, these things are indestructible. Here’s some images of the Super Friends not stopping them:

How embarrassing:

Superman laments that he can’t help because he can’t get near the ship (another lie), so Wonder Woman saves him like it ain’t no thang.

The Crying Game

Ok folks – time to guess, based on the two forms Zan and Jayna take, what the emergency is and how they solve it. Answer at the bottom:

Hint: it involves a kid on a bike.

She’s not bad she was drawn that way.

BAD ANIMATORS! NO!

This is just one example of very poor face animation. Superman looked like a different person in every scene he was in.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind

Superman concludes that he must visit the planet the spaceships came from in order to convince them to stop harvesting people. This is a good idea even though their ships have kryptonite in them and they could then render him completely more useless.

There’s all this talk about how big the aliens must be. “They must be 50ft tall!” assumes Aquaman.

Superman arrives at the planet and is greeted via video phone by one of the aliens, who look a lot like Shrek. See the giant doors!? They must be HUGE!

Dulliver’s Travels

Yeah, them things were little.

They secured him with “kryptonite cables,” which means they held him long enough for me to get that screen shot. He then uses his heat vision to cut a beam from the ceiling, which falls, snapping the cables. I’m getting the sense it wasn’t so much the kryptonite as it was Superman likes being tied down, as you would think the kryptonite would keep him from using his heat vision and such.

He then takes a “duplicate lander” back to Earth to stop the first lander. EXCUSE ME? What was all that talk about not being able to get close to the lander because it was made from kryptonite? I’m getting the sense that it wasn’t so much the kryptonite as it was Superman being lazy and not wanting to help Batman.

Stop getting all up in my planet.

Superman arrives with the second lander and then starts a cat fight with the other one.

Superman eventually wins and the aliens are humbled and learn a lesson. zzzzzzzzzz

Wonder Twins “Brainteaser?”

There was a kid on a bike headed straight for the lander. Zan became a glacier to do this:

And then Jayna became the condor to catch him:

I know I’m no superhero, but I suspect that a simple, “hey kid, bike the other way!” may have been just as effective.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.