LIES!

My daughter had a book she got for Christmas from a relative. This book is called “Songs to Go.” It is a book that is nothing but random pictures and the lyrics to the songs that are included on a portable music player. Here are some terrible pictures to help demonstrate what I mean:

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Notice Donald actually puts pants ON to go swimming.

Notice Donald actually puts pants ON to go swimming.

Who needs an iPod?

Who needs an iPod?

She loves this thing. Both the book and the music player. I keep saying I will never buy her Kidz Bop (which I until now had been calling “Kid Bops”), but here she is listening to the same lady sing the same twenty 30 second songs over and over and over again, like a reverse siren.

One of these songs is The More We Get Together:

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This is nothing but extrovert propaganda. Horrible.

Your friends are my friends and vice versa? And they’re all in the same room? And I have to get to know them all at once? No.

I’ve written some shy introvert versions of this song in case you’re in need of one like me:

The more we have our own time
our own time our own time
the more we have our own time
the happier we’ll be
and I’ll have my own space
and you’ll have your own space
the more we have our own time
the happier we’ll be

or

I’ll see you all on Facebook
on Facebook on Facebook
I’ll see you all on Facebook
and I’ll like your posts
Then you can like my posts and
say “aw” to my photos
I’ll see you all on Facebook
and I’ll like your posts

or

I’m better one on o-one
on o-one on o-one
I’m better one on o-one
‘less you’re that way too
then an talkative buffer
can help conversation
I’m better one on o-one
‘less you’re that way too

or

Please don’t try and call me
don’t call me don’t call me
Oh Please don’t try and call me
please text me instead
then I can think a-head
bout what I am saying
oh please don’t try and call me
please text me instead

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Which version of the song speaks to you or is there another version that works best for you?

P.S. When I say Lydia loves this thing, I’m not kidding. That music player has been a life saver on many occasions so I hate to bite the hand that feeds me but I did anyway.

No no no no no, here, play with this boring thing.

I now have an 8 month old/almost 9 month old. She can crawl and just this morning she was standing up, holding my hands, and she let go and stood on her own for a few seconds. I was happy for her but also felt a little jealous of people who’s kids don’t walk until 14 months.

That constantly used expression, “they’re into everything” is certainly based off of fact. And it isn’t good enough to play with something like an age appropriate toy – those are for BABIES. Babies don’t think they’re babies. It’s very tricky.

So we’re at the stage where she crawls around, sees something she’s interested in (wires, dogs, knives, broken glass, smallpox vials – we still need to baby proof our house), goes for it, and then we use our evil ability to walk faster than she can crawl and move the thing she wants. It’s super fun.

Lydia and Teddy Bear

Today, when I was moving a box of old CDs from out of her reach, I had a pang of empathy. I imagined what it would be like if every time I reached for my smart phone, a big giant took it away before I could get it, AND THEN STARTED USING IT HIMSELF THE BASTARD. Or if every time, I, a short person, was on my tiptoes trying to pull something off a high kitchen shelf, that same giant comes up behind me and then moves it even higher. What a douchebag. Then, every time this giant denied me the pleasure of learning about something exciting, he spoke to me in a language I don’t understand but in a tone I could tell is pretty condescending. That would suuuuuuuuck.

And the beauty of all of this is, even as we slowly baby proof – moving things as needed, installing safety devices – it still will never spare us from constantly having to be party pooping assholes because one of the super powers babies possess is finding the most dangerous thing or activity in any given environment. There will always be a new dead bug or a fresh dust bunny to find and taste.

I’ve even found myself grabbing a spatula, and literally saying to myself, “This is really important to me and is not for babies. I’m going to put it right here on the floor for safe keeping.” As if that will somehow replace the amazing excitement that is wires – there’s a SURPRISE at the end of them. You just can’t top that.

So as I enter into the new phase of parenthood – Evil Fun Destroyer, I have to remember, as I grit my teeth and my eyes water while my daughter scrapes a cookie cutter against the tile kitchen floor, making a sound that I can only assume is the soundtrack to hell, to allow her the little joys that won’t cause serious injury (save for my eardrums).

And, for real, y’all, if we are taken over by a race of giants we are screwed.

But do they pass the savings on to me?

Lydia has started eating “solid” foods – gruel and the like. While I appreciate that the rice cereal I bought for her is organic, I’m not sure about their labor practices:

baby cereal 1

baby cereal 2

These babies don’t even get bathroom breaks – they have to wear diapers! Also it doesn’t seem very safe to force them to wear no clothes while they’re harvesting, that’s just going to lead to sunburns. They’re not even training their employees right – look how that baby is holding the watering can – there’s a handle for a reason for God’s sake!

I’m sure the employees get paid in empty gift bags, tissue paper, old pairs of glasses, and empty plastic soda bottles, so I’m not sure I should be paying as much as I did for this cereal. Surely with this workforce it could be much cheaper and they could still turn a profit.

If we go missing, you’ll know who it was…

Two houses ago, when we moved into our first house in Georgia, after we’d been there a while, we found a couple of odd things in the backyard. Mainly, it was the occasional discarded ¬†Almond Joy wrapper.

Seeing as how I do not like coconut and there’s no reason Tom would be secretly eating coconut candy in the backyard (I’m not a candy dictator), the only logical conclusion to make was that we were being stalked. Stalked by someone who like to eat Almond Joys while he watches people watch TV, apparently.

The Almond Joy Killer, we called him (or her, don’t want to make assumptions).

We were never murdered (I guess they only “kill” Almond Joys), and we eventually moved. We moved on with our lives. And we moved AGAIN, to a different state.

We lived in our naive little bubble, thinking ourselves safe from a chocolate-smeared Peeping Tom (not my Tom, a different, peeping, Tom).

All that changed last weekend when Tom came inside after mowing the lawn. What did he bring with him? THIS:

almond joy

DEAR GOD! He or she is back! I wonder if they went through a Mounds phase in the years between, and then they went back to feeling like a nut, and fell into their old ways.

Anyway, welcome back Almond Joy Killer, we’ll try and be more entertaining this time. Please don’t murder us.

Prized Possessions Vol. 3 – Super Friends Mini Planters

I was worried I had lost these. Luckily, they turned up in a box a few months ago. Needless to say I was very relieved. They’re from 1976, they’re weird, and they’re fabulous:

Super Plant2

Why do these exist? Why? To make me happy, that’s why. These are four ceramic planters, just a few inches tall, and each of the heroes is proclaiming “SUPER PLANTS” for no reason. I like to imagine the four of them brainstorming and trying to come up with something clever they’d all say and that’s the best they could come up with. Also Batman seems to have a talking armpit.

Notice that you have your three standard Super Friends/Justice League heroes: Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman, and then you have Gomer Pyle Captain Marvel, or/and/also known as Shazam! because of weird DC/Marvel comics shiz.

Super Plant1

No Aquaman despite that fact that water, Aquaman’s realm, is one of the things plants need to survive.

Not that I would plant anything in them. The last thing I would want would be to plant some seeds, and then, OF COURSE, they would become super plants and the roots could potentially crack my beloved ceramic planters. No, no, that wouldn’t do.

I looked these up and found this interesting post (interesting if you are interested in 1970s plant-related superhero merchandising which, duh, everyone is).

I got mine about 9 years ago off of ebay, and if you search right now, you can actually buy the entire store display piece plus 3 of each of them for 70 bucks. Although if you do end up with something that powerful in your possession you must promise only to use it for good.