Two Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Doctor Say in Sequential and Horrific Order

I went to the doctor recently for a yearly check-up. First of all, I learned I was 1 and 1/4 inch taller than I thought I was. Now my driver’s license has a big fat lie on it and there’s been so many things I thought I couldn’t reach and didn’t bother to try, now only to find out I should have.

That was the GOOD news to come of the appointment. I also figured I’d kill two doctor appointments with one stone and get my stupid pap smear over with. Yay! The mention of a pap smear! Trust me, I’m right there with you. But, the two things I heard the doctor mutter that day were so hilarious and horrific that they warrant documentation. Sparing you every detail, I present, the two things any woman who takes herself too seriously should hear:

1. “I can’t find your uterus.”
2. “I’m going to need some assistance.” (Gets up and cracks the door) “AMANDA! Could you come in here please?”

After Amanda arrived, with a flashlight, I guess, the doctor then completed the following SAT analogy question:

The Holy Grail : The Fountain of Youth ::

a. wallet : money
b. car : television
c. keys : uterus

“Never mind, I found it.”

Holy Grail : Keys