How to Keep Your Weird Wife Happy and Informed

1. When her beloved TiVo breaks, and you have to get out the ancient VCR, help with the transition:

2. While watching Dr. Who, season 6, if your weird wife is having a hard time visualizing timelines, help her out with a hand-drawn diagram. Important: Before you come to your senses and help her in the friendly manner you excel at, stating that “It’s not that hard to figure out” is not the best first approach as it will unleash an expletive-filled verbal lashing. While she does understand you don’t mean anything by it, it’s still kind of an assy move.

3. On a weekend, when you all have planned to see a movie, like you do every weekend, and you’ve looked up all the showtimes and ran down everything that’s playing and even sometimes looked up all the reviews because your weird wife is also a weird lazy wife, get your day started off right. Since your weird wife doesn’t trust her own memory when it comes to time, write everything on her hand so that you don’t have to answer the same question 10 times before it’s time to leave. Hand is best, she will misplace paper.

New Year’s Resolution: Be More Helpful

This morning I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 8:25. “Oh no!” I thought to myself, Tom’s going to be late for work. So I did my wifely duty and woke him up.

Me: Hey, it’s 8:25
Tom: Ok.
Me: Did you remember to set your alarm?
Tom: Yes.
Me: Ok.
Tom: Ok.
Me: Ok.
Tom: I’m not working today.

That means it’s a movie and dog walking day! Which means that instead of a real post, I’m putting up more pictures from my Barbie doll trunk. Just like my husband not realizing he needed my help waking him up, you didn’t realize you needed to look at pictures of old dolls, but here I am. I’m a giver like that.

Pictures taken of dolls found as is, or as was, circa early 1990s.

This is a Jem doll, with a sensible bob hairdo, modified from her original 80s rock star hair. So now she can rock out or answer the phones and notarize documents. I was helpful even as a child. She's squeezed into a barbie dress, which means you get a show up in the boobage area.
She's a Barbie and a Swiffer!
Uh, this Barbie has a cumberbun wrapped around her neck, over her hair. This is either the beginning of a major trend, or someone's been caught getting kinky with Kenbie.

You’re welcome, everyone!

I Bet You One Dollar We’ll Still be Married in Ten Years

My husband and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary last month. We’ve been together for 16 years total. Here’s a list of observations and advice after a decade of marriage:

1. If you don’t like dressing up, church, or being the center of attention, put up with your mom declaring she won’t plan your wedding for you, don’t plan your wedding for a few months, and then maybe you’ll get a big fat check from your parents to just go to the courthouse and get it over with. Worked for us.

2. Barring any accidents, if you spend years having the following conversation:

Husband: Do you want kids?
Wife: Dunno. You?
Husband: Dunno.

You will not end up with any kids.

3. If one of you is a vegetarian, and the other isn’t, don’t worry, there are plenty of unhealthy options for meals so that you can both grow fat together.

4. If you are too much alike, I highly recommend establishing very early in your relationship a designated person between the two of you to ask for help in home improvement stores. Otherwise, you will waste hours and hours of your life. As a compromise, the other one can be the designated take-out food phone caller.

5. Just keep in mind, every time you publicly declare on Facebook or Twitter that you are married to the best spouse ever in the history of man it is almost guaranteed that: 1. Ten other people have done the same within the hour and 2. You are probably also the type to declare your dissatisfaction with the idiot you married within 48 hours (we don’t do either of these things, but it is an observation from the last ten years).

6. After ten years, you will both laugh at how you used to be embarrassed to fart in front of each other and wish that the other person still was.

7. Consider your adult acne a sign that your love is as youthful as it was when you were teenagers.

8. Life is all about compromise. I’m not an outdoorsy person and he is, so I let him do all the yard work.

9. Make wagers. Don’t argue unnecessarily, make bets. If it’s something that’s factual and can be resolved later (how tall is Uncle Stanley, do we have milk at home, did Meryl Streep star in 227) bet a buck and move on. Save the time you would spend arguing over minutiae and spend it discussing things you both hate, together.

10. If you pretend to shiv each other with your car keys as a sign of affection, then you should be good for the next ten years.

How to Tell a Girl You Like Her OR Leave Me Alone – You Can Decide Later!

Tom (my husband) and I are going through a lot of old stuff, trying to stem the tide of becoming pack rats. We’re about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary, and were together for six years before marriage. So, a lot of our “old stuff” is also shared memories. Tom, who is much more of a paper pack rat than me, is going through boxes of paper, and it’s been quite fun finding things I thought we never kept. More on that later, though.

Tom and I knew each other in high school, and became best friends when I was a senior in high school and he was a freshman in college. We were best friends for a year before becoming a couple. This year was the fun “what does he think of me, does he like me, does he know I like him?” era of our relationship. And by fun I mean torturous – I can’t stand ambiguity.

In going through my old stuff, I found the first thing I remember Tom ever getting for me. Trust me, I like weird stuff just as much as the next person, so it’s not that I didn’t LIKE it, it’s more that in obsessively trying to come up with what it could mean, I was very perplexed. So, I present to anyone who would like to give a gift that says “I got this for you. It may be because I recognize and appreciate your off-kilter-ness, or it may be because I’m trying say I’d like to give normal gifts to other women, buddy.”

Nothing says "I got you a rubbery half snake/half lady" like a rubbery half snake/half lady.

In retrospect, I of course realize how lucky I am to have found someone that would get this for me, put it in a little cardboard box, decorate it, and give it to me for no particular occasion. And I appreciate it that much more because of its context and the hilarity of me obsessing over what it could “mean.”

Nice one, future husband.

P.S. And it’s a good thing she doesn’t have any nipples cause she’d totally be nip slippin’ after 16 years of her tube top slowly sliding down.