Police Snackademy

You know when you spell a word over and over and it doesn’t seem like a word anymore?  And how sometimes something seems funny, then  you spell it over and over and it doesn’t seem like a funny anymore? This is that post. It’s pretty much solely to amuse Tom and my friend, Dave.

I’ve been sitting on it for weeks. Then, Lance goes and tweets about Steve Guttenberg getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today. What the fucking hell? What are the chances of that? I’m sitting on a Police Academy post and Steve Guttenbeg “finally?” gets a star on the Walk of Fame. So, I have  no choice but to drop this bomb. I apologize to all who are scarred by it.


We were at Walgreen’s, and Tom came across this amazing combo DVD of Police Academys 2 and 3 (yes, 2 and 3 only):

Notice the yellow sticker on it – “DON’T Forget SNACK.” Yep, it’s a yellow sticker about a singular snack. Even though there are TWO movies to watch – shouldn’t it be “snacks” plural? And also, stop nagging me, Comedy Double Feature Police Academy 2 and 3 DVD.

If I want a snack, I’ll get a snack, and if I don’t, I won’t. And, I’m not buying you anyway, so it’s none of your goddamned business.

I looked everywhere in the store, but they had none of my favorite snacks:




I’m Warning You, Don’t Put a Baby in There

I have some plastic bins from Ikea:

This is a plastic bin from Ikea - put stuff in it.

These bins have my most favorite warning stickers that I’ve actually seen in person:

Ikea is kind enough to show you why you shouldn’t put a baby in the bin if it isn’t small enough to completely fit inside – you can’t stack, which means you can’t maximize baby storage space.

I Once Pulled a Muscle Being Versatile

Yelling Near You and Thoughts Appear were kind enough to award me this:

The rules are:
1. Show the award on my blog
2. Compose a short dedication to the persons who awarded them the award
3. Write a list of five things for their readers that detail things about themselves their readers don’t know, and then
4. Pay the love forward to five bloggers that they feel deserve to receive the Versatile Blogger Award, too.

Number one, done! Must fight typical “I need to take a celebratory break from getting so much done!” reaction and move on. So, two great blogs:

Yelling Near You (Mark and Bitsy, Bitsy and Mark) is great for many reasons:
– Mark is the resource for all of your Canadian advertisement needs.
– He also believes that “mid-season finale” is as idiotic as I do.
– They have an adorable big orange dog who gets his picture taken a lot (and gets his teeth brushed with Mark’s toothbrush).
– Bitsy hasn’t lost her sense of humor despite a cast, medication, acne, and sweating.

Thoughts Appear’s Blog is also great for many reasons:
– She is the resource for all of your Pop Tart information needs.
– Thanks to her, I don’t have to watch Children of the Corn 7 and many other movies which she has bravely endured and passed on the pertinent facts from.
– She just got back together with her boyfriend, squeeeee!
– She found a mysterious hole in the woods and didn’t go see what was in there, which probably saved her life, but also left a mystery we will never know the answer to.

Things you don’t know about me but now do:
1. My lack of a sense of a direction has left me in tears on multiple occasions, and one time, because I missed an exit on the highway, I ended up going on a Christmas hay ride with my aunt and uncle, who had to rescue me and didn’t have time to get me home.
2. One time as a teen I got the two family cars stuck together while trying to back out of the garage. It was amazing.
3. I was born in and have always lived in the South, and I can’t stand humid heat. When I went to the Utah desert July of last year, I realized that there is such a thing as “dry heat” and became very jealous.
4. Tom and I have owned three houses (not at once), and our current house is for sale, in anticipation of hopefully moving back to N.C. and owning our fourth fucking house.  Every time we know we’re going to end up in a new house, we convince ourselves that this time we will become responsible, capable adults who get shit done. It didn’t happen the first three times but I KNOW this time will be different.
5. When I get hungry and my blood sugar drops, I become a black hole that sucks all joy and fun out of the immediate area. That person’s nickname is Scarrie. She is the reason Tom sometimes says things like “we need to feed her,” which once offended my neighbor on behalf of me, and I assured her, there’s no offense to be taken, because that’s how bad it is. The fear of encountering Scarrie has also caused my sister to not be willing to give her husband a granola bar she had because she knew I’d need it later. And I did need it later, and catastrophe was averted that day.

And five nominated blogs, all of which I’ve had the pleasure discovering from blogging (and Twittering):
Our Daily Escape
My Blog Can Beat up Your Blog
Ach du Lieber, Jayne!
Going to Mensa

Now, I really need to eat something…

I Can’t Believe I like Grease 2

Grease 2. Man, what a bad movie. But for some reason, every time I’m flipping through the channels on TV and it’s on, I have to stop and watch at least some of it. Why it’s on TV all the time is a different issue. This movie is directed by the choreographer of the original Grease; I looked in the credits, and this is just a theory, but maybe the problem with Grease 2 is that it was not choreographed by the director of the first Grease. Whatever the reason though, boy does it stink, but it’s one of those bad smells you get used to after awhile. The main reason I like this movie so much is because it is very nostalgic for me, I saw it on HBO tons of times when I was a kid. You know, back when HBO would play a movie over and over again within a month (that was a joke, they still do that). I would have never been cool enough to be a Pink Lady, not even a Grease 2 Pink Lady. Grease 2 gave me a chance to get a glimpse into a world that doesn’t exist in the first place. The first Grease does that too, but it wasn’t on HBO twenty times a day when I was seven.

Grease 2 picks up where the first one left off, and all of the most endearing and beloved characters from Grease are back: Eugene, Frenchie, the Coach, and that teacher with the drug problem. Out of all the returnees, there is one that I think everyone can agree is the most touching: that fifty year old guy with the acne scars that for some reason still has a rivalry with high schoolers. With these oldie but goodies are the new sets of T-Birds and Pink Ladies, and Michelle Pfeiffer plays the lead Lady, Stephanie. She bites into this juicy role with the enthusiasm of someone making ends meet by being in a sub par sequel.

For the first five minutes, everything is okay, but then a newcomer arrives and shakes up the delicate balance that the Birds and the Ladies have worked so hard to achieve. That newcomer’s name is Michael, and he’s…..British. He also has glasses and wears sweater vests, which just add to his instant nerd status. You would think that since he is related to Sandy (from Grease), he would get a free ride, but you would be sorely mistaken. He does have a connection, Frenchie, who takes him under her pink wing to explain to him the rules of a world he could never know. You see, Michael sees Stephanie, played by Michelle Pfeiffer (in case you still don’t believe it), and falls for her instantly. But that match made in heaven is not to be, for as Frenchie tells us, Michael is far too homely to become a T-Bird, which is a prerequisite for being the boyfriend of a Pink Lady.

Luckily, there is a light in the distance: for somewhere in this legal mumbo jumbo, it states that above mentioned A (Michael) can become acquainted with, and pursue a romantic partnership with above mentioned B (Stephanie), if and only if the subject of the first party agrees to overhaul his/her personality in exchange for acceptance of his/her advances by the subject of the second party. This can be summed up by Stephanie herself: “I want a Cool Rider.” I don’t want to spoil the ending, but I will just say that Michael does indeed become a Cool Rider, and he and Stephanie end up happily together.

You may say: “This sounds exactly like the plot of the first Grease.” Well, let me just tell you smarty pants, it’s not. One, Sandy was Australian, Michael is BRITISH. Two, Sandy was a girl, Michael is a GUY. Grease 2 happens a couple of years AFTER the first Grease, and there are completely different songs in Grease 2. And, if you still have your doubts, may I remind you that Grease 2 was directed by the CHOREOGRAPHER of Grease, so therefore is a lot WORSE than the first one. So, it is very easy to see why this movie holds such a special place in my heart, and I highly recommend it if you have nothing else to do, and liked it a long time ago when you were a little kid with bad taste.

What guilty pleasures do you have?

I Bet You One Dollar We’ll Still be Married in Ten Years

My husband and I celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary last month. We’ve been together for 16 years total. Here’s a list of observations and advice after a decade of marriage:

1. If you don’t like dressing up, church, or being the center of attention, put up with your mom declaring she won’t plan your wedding for you, don’t plan your wedding for a few months, and then maybe you’ll get a big fat check from your parents to just go to the courthouse and get it over with. Worked for us.

2. Barring any accidents, if you spend years having the following conversation:

Husband: Do you want kids?
Wife: Dunno. You?
Husband: Dunno.

You will not end up with any kids.

3. If one of you is a vegetarian, and the other isn’t, don’t worry, there are plenty of unhealthy options for meals so that you can both grow fat together.

4. If you are too much alike, I highly recommend establishing very early in your relationship a designated person between the two of you to ask for help in home improvement stores. Otherwise, you will waste hours and hours of your life. As a compromise, the other one can be the designated take-out food phone caller.

5. Just keep in mind, every time you publicly declare on Facebook or Twitter that you are married to the best spouse ever in the history of man it is almost guaranteed that: 1. Ten other people have done the same within the hour and 2. You are probably also the type to declare your dissatisfaction with the idiot you married within 48 hours (we don’t do either of these things, but it is an observation from the last ten years).

6. After ten years, you will both laugh at how you used to be embarrassed to fart in front of each other and wish that the other person still was.

7. Consider your adult acne a sign that your love is as youthful as it was when you were teenagers.

8. Life is all about compromise. I’m not an outdoorsy person and he is, so I let him do all the yard work.

9. Make wagers. Don’t argue unnecessarily, make bets. If it’s something that’s factual and can be resolved later (how tall is Uncle Stanley, do we have milk at home, did Meryl Streep star in 227) bet a buck and move on. Save the time you would spend arguing over minutiae and spend it discussing things you both hate, together.

10. If you pretend to shiv each other with your car keys as a sign of affection, then you should be good for the next ten years.