Happy birthday, religious.

I’m not particularly fond of greeting cards. I don’t understand paying $3 for a folded piece of paper with a bunch of words you didn’t write expressing feelings you may or may not feel. I always buy unsentimental funny cards if I can find them. But, clearly, many, many people like greeting cards.

Looking through the cards at the drugstore yesterday, I noticed that they have any card you could ever need for “religious.” Since I don’t like cards and prefer to make my own, I did just that:

I’m a Testin’ and Have Chosen Fancy Panties as the Subject

Fancy Panties
If we as English speakers are allowed to just throw around the phrase "Fancy Panties" as if it doesn't matter, then we're all screwed.

Fancy Panties:
1. Are not found in drugstores.
2. Are not found in bins.
3. Are not 10/$10
4. Are not advertised on canary yellow office supply paper.
5. Should either have real gems and precious metals on them, be made of money, or have real stolen art/ancient artifacts woven throughout (comfort is of no concern).