I would make a perfect Super Friend.

You guys, I can’t find my Super Friends DVD. I needed to get the post done today (Thursday) because we have family visiting starting this evening and I won’t have time to do it.

The DVDs have their case and then an “outer sleeve” that holds that case. I have the outer sleeve. I can’t find the one that actually has the DVDs. The outer sleeve spent the week safely tucked away on the floor and I thought that’s where the DVDs were but when it came time to load up the DVD only the lowly, lonely sleeve was to be found. I’m sure while I was cleaning up yesterday, I put the DVDs “somewhere safe” where I would know where they were just like I did with Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs four years ago. I don’t think they’ll be missing that long but they’re not going to show up in time to write a post by Saturday (these stupid posts take hours and hours). I yelled into the outer sleeve “where are your contents!!!” but I got no reply.

I feel super terrible since last week was a cliffhanger and I know you’re all dying to find out whether the Earth was split into five pieces and Earthlings were sold off as slaves or if that didn’t happen. If anyone would like to come over and help me look just let me know.

In a semi-related story – my niece was looking at the sleeve and I told her who everyone was, including Wonder Woman. My nice said, “I’ve seen her somewhere before! Does she like juice?”

I said something like, “Uhhh, I guess.”

So now I’m wondering how Wonder Woman and juice are related and how my niece knows this or if she was just making casual conversation.

Anyhow, my deepest apologies. I will spend the rest of the week searching for the DVDs and should be back up and running next week.

1980 JC Penny Christmas Catalog – The Year of the Mime Model

I was looking around wishbookweb.com, which I love to do a disturbing amount, and decided to flip through the 1980 JC Penny Christmas Catalog. Here’s what I found.

First of all, it is very obvious this cover was just a photo-op (or painting-op) for Santa because what the hell is he going to do with that big brush smothered in red paint? Give the doll a Joker smile?

Phony Santa

 

 

Next, what a welcoming sight. You just don’t see many modeling opportunities for conjoined twins these days (or maybe since they aren’t identical they were voluntarily conjoined – was that a thing in the 80s?):

Rare Models

 

I would seriously not want to run into these two in a dark alley, or really anywhere. I guess my best approach would be to grab that big bow on the lady with the bun’s shirt – maybe swing her around with it:

1980 JCPenny Christmas page069

1980 JCPenny Christmas page106

 

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth repeating – there are not enough photos in catalogs nowadays of kids who hate the product being advertised. I will never get tired of angry child models:

1980 JCPenny Christmas page203

You know what’s disappointing? Ordering your child a playhouse and when it arrives finding out that an important accessory isn’t included:

1980 JCPenny Christmas page391

 

And last, here’s another relic from early 1980s modeling – the mime-trapped-in-a-box pose.  With a fashionable outfit like this one, surely someone will come along and break her free – maybe the wrench wielding maniac?

1980 JCPenny Christmas page078

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12 – “The Lionmen” Part 1

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline C – “The Lionmen”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

This one is the third storyline of the episode, which means it is the bulk of the hour. Guess what? I don’t have my act together enough to do all of “The Lionmen” so rather than go two weeks without a Super Friends post, I’m splitting them up into parts 1 and 2. It is NOT because this one is particularly epic or has so much material to work with, it is because I do not have the attention span to finish it today. So, with that…

Introduction:  “Deep in space, in a distant galaxy, lies a strange, ominous planet where a frightening business agreement is being made.” – Narrator

Here, we see a round table of various aliens. Their ringleader (HA HA – you’ll get it once I mention he’s a lion) is a lion man. This lionman (named Lionex) is proposing that he will split up Earth into equal sections and each representative gets something they want:

Super Friends Planets and Products

Good luck with the distribution of the separate ice and water, bros.

The best part of this whole episode (three seconds in, so it was a hard twenty more minutes) was a cameo by the Plant Creatures from a previous episode.

Super Friends Plant Creature Meeting

It was so inspiring – they seem to have learned to speak perfect English instead of grunting all the time and have obviously taken some business classes and learned to read and write. I think we can all learn something from their drive and determination.

Just to be clear about Lionex’s plan, he’s a-literally a-gonna splita the whole a-planet into a-five pieces a-like a pizza pie, mamma mia!

Super Friends Pizza Planet

That means there’s shit everyone wants in every slice, which means there will have to be a bunch of swapping and negotiations like when a group has to pay one restaurant bill instead of just splitting it up into separate bills. But I’m not a fancy talking lion so what do I know.

“There is some form of lower intelligence. You can use them as slaves or eliminate them altogether. I believe they are called, ‘Earthlings.’” Lionex is ALL business, bitches.

 “Later, miles above the earth in a sophisticated space station.” – Narrator

Not one of those trashy space stations where it’s all cigarette butts and strippers.

The Lionmen take over the sophisticated space station to use it to dispense their “strata ray” to split the earth up.

A note on Lionmen culture and heritage.

We don’t learn much about the Lionmen and their life back on their home planet, but I did gather this little tidbit: the leader gets to have a glorious Tina Turner-like mane of hair:

Super Friends Lionex

And then the underlings get underling pageboys:

Super Friends Underling Pageboy

Something to aspire to, I guess.

The worst kept secret

Superman just happened to be flying in space when the distress call came through. But, Lionex has done his homework, he has prepared a Kryptonite force field which prevents Superman from boarding and screwing everything up from inside the space station.

Lionex starts the strata ray up and begins the process of making individual serving sizes of Earth.

Batman says they have to figure out a way to get on the space station and Aquaman exclaims, “And that calls for a super plan!” A super plan? Well then we’re all screwed.

Phase 1 of the “Super Plan”

Superman causes a distraction by repeatedly hitting the force field with an iron shield while Wonder Woman, Batman, and Robin sneak on board.

“Holy Circuses, lion men!” – Robin

“Suffering subdivisions!” – Robin, after overhearing their Earth splitting plan. Robin is on a roll.

And, in case you were wondering about the nitty gritty science behind splitting the Earth in to 5 bite-sized pieces, Batman breaks it down for us: “They’re shooting a harmless light beam through that huge gem lens, and the lens is creating the Earth-splitting ray.”

Super Friends Strata Ray

The Lion Men catch them casually milling around the gem like there’s no danger whatsoever and start trying to shoot them with freeze rays. Robin manages to get a sample of the lens and then they get out of there. That went surprisingly well.

Everyone meets back at the Hall of Justice and concludes that their superpowers are no match for the ray and the only option is to analyze the lens sample and then create like, I don’t know an antidote lens or something.

WILL they do whatever they think they’re going to do with that lens?

DOES Lionex have the power to rip the Earth apart?

WHO will screw up the most in the next phases of the plan? (Gleek)

DO you give a shit?

Until next week…

Prized Possessions Vol. 2 – Plastic Charm Necklaces

Who remembers those plastic chain-link necklaces from the 1980s? The ones you would get charms for from a vending machine to add to the necklace. If you’re my age and a girl you probably had one. You’d go back to the grocery or drug store, again and again, scratching yourself like a crackhead (probably from the plastic against your skin), holding a quarter, looking for your next fix – a charm in the shape of a frying pan, for example.  Then you’d add the charm to your necklace, more and more until you looked like Mr. T but instead of gold chains it was little plastic tennis rackets and lipstick and baby bottles and records.

The ones I had were sent to outgrown toy heaven by my mom at some point, but that has never deterred me. I just went to eBay and bought me some new ones several years ago.

Every single charm had a little bell on it, which means there would be no sneaking up on anyone when you were wearing them. And they came in every random item little girls loved!

Numbers 1

1. Tennis racket and little shoes 2. lipstick  3. rape whistle  4. PINK baby bottle for future teen moms of girls  5. something called a “record”  6. something called a “typewriter”  7. sunglasses  8. ping pong paddle  9. choo choo train  10. ballerina slipper  11. corn on the cob (of course)  12. a red football  13. a wrench for all the handygirls out there  14. a ball-peen hammer (forget that claw hammer bullshit – those are for boys!)  15. sausage (aww yeah)  16. uh, a half-eaten fish carcass  17.   an adorable turquoise ax for all the little Lizzie Bordens out there.

Numbers 2

1. toothpaste (as Crest tells me now with their commercials, a lady needs her some non-yellow teeth if she wants to attract a husband!)  2. little yellow lion  3. a heart – girls love hearts!  4. a PINK baseball and 5. PINK baseball bat  6. white elephant  7. a translucent aqua bulldog (probably created after unrelenting demand from 1980s kids)  8. football  9. the word “happy,” it’s just important to be reminded how to feel  10. a bathtub (no dirty girls!)  11. a BLUE baby bottle for future teen moms of boys 12. a comb for lice, I’m assuming 13. a horseshoe and….14. the things that little girls love the most in all the world.

IMAG0824

A blue googly-eyed lady thing wearing a bra over a shirt with a misshapen left foot. SO RAD!

I think my favorite charm, which I don’t own, is the mutli-colored abacus. One day I’ll get my hands on one, and then I can finally do some math!

Who remembers these or had one?

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12 – “Pressure Point”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline B – “Pressure Point”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

Safety Segment

Aquaman, if you’re going to help some kid clean and adjust his roller skates, GET OUT OF THE FREAKIN’ WATER to do it.

Super Friends Water Help

Maybe he’s standing on the backs of a couple of catfish, but still – just get out of the water.

Synopsis: “A hot sun burns over the desert at Barren Hills, where a young motorcyclist may make his last jump.” – Narrator

We are then introduced to a bunch of svelt, attractive teenagers:

Super Friends Motors

And….Jerry:

Super Friends Jerry

Oh, that Jerry! He thinks he can make it up the same hill one of the other teens just conquered, but HE’S JERRY – of course he can’t! He tries anyway and everyone laughs at him.

I wonder if he was the inspiration for Parks and Recreation’s Jerry.

Anyway, their ridicule fuels Jerry to decide to try and jump Rattlesnake Ravine. What a doofus! One of the other teens alerts the Wonder Twins.

We are then treated to a stupid scene of Zan, Jayna, and Gleek ice skating. How do they afford all this recreation? Are they paid by the Justice League?

Back to Jerry the Jerk who thinks he can Jump.

“Don’t do it, Jerry!” cries one onlooking cool teen.

“You can kill yourself!” yells another in a more encouraging tone than I think was intended.

The Wonder Twins arrive just in time to find Jerry in mid-air plummeting to his death.

I know this will shock you, but I take issue with something in this episode.

Zan then throws himself down the ravine in water form, and then announces that he wants to become – “FORM OF, GELATIN DESSERT!”

Super Friends gelatin dessert

Unless Jayna became a horse and then they ground her up to make gelatin, I’m calling bullshit. Ice bridge? Ice crowbar? Ice cage? Fine, whatever, they’re made of ice. GELATIN is not a form of water. BOOOOOO BOOOOO, Super Friends.

Also, NO:

jerry-falls

Jello  Gelatin dessert wiggles a little bit, it does not completely absorb the shock of a plummeting inept teenage motorcyclist.

But that’s not all, Jerry! Your humiliation continues!

Super Friends Poor Jerry

“That’s what I call a super scooper super scoop!” – Jayna, in the form of a giant pelican, who doesn’t understand the concept of shame.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.