Ohhh, ok. I think I got it now.

I’m at Disney World this week. I was at Hollywood Studios in the bathroom about to do what I thought was wash my hands until I saw this helpful tip.

IMAG0935

Say WHAT!? Wet hands!? RINSE? DRY???? Up to now I’d been smearing soap all over my dry hands and then eating a paper towel – this is saying that’s NOT how it’s done. THANK YOU Brawny brand paper towels for giving me such great tips for how to wash my hands.

 

Beach Week – Highlights

Last week I bitched about the wonderful week I just spent at the beach. Now it’s time to discuss the interesting and fun things that happened.

– “I would use my magic wand on her, steal her powers, and then throw her in a trashcan.” – my 4 year old niece on what she would do to the Evil Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

When I suggested she was sounding a bit like an evil queen herself, she denied such accusations.

She’s an interesting little lady. She loves princesses, in theory, but her true passion is for villains.  Her favorite character was the Evil Queen in Snow White, which she watched for the first time last week. Her favorite character in Wizard of Oz is Glinda, but we all know Glinda is a a mega bitch and the true villain of that movie.

– Salt water taffy. I have a serious salt water taffy problem. The only time I eat it is at the beach once a year, but I REALLY go all out. There’s a specific candy store/gift shop where you can get flavors like honey, caramel swirl, cinnamon, etc. So of course as always I bought a big bag of the stuff.

Salt water taffy is a bit like my tumultuous love affair with candy corn. It’s bad for me, it makes me feel like shit, but I can’t stay away. But since I’m supposed to be reminiscing positive memories, I’ll move on.

– My two year old nephew got a hold of my phone camera (ok, I gave it to him willingly). I’d like to present to you The Toddler Collection: Beach Edition. Prints can be purchased if desired.

"Chaise Lounge Tableau"

“Chaise Lounge Tableau”

"Bottom of Side Table" (1 of 20)

“Bottom of Side Table” (1 of 20)

"A Father's Foot"

“A Father’s Foot”

"Pepperoni on a Plate"

“Pepperoni on a Plate”

"Curiosity"

“Curiosity”

"The Creeping Abyss"

“The Creeping Abyss”

"Ed's Butt with Besocked Foot"

“Ed’s Butt with Besocked Foot”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12 – “The Day of the Rats”

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12, Storyline D – “The Day of the Rats”

Original Airdate – November 19, 1977

Introduction: “Gotham City, where at this moment a truck, carrying exotic electronic equipment, is about to cause a disaster of unimaginable proportions.” – Narrator

Exotic electronic equipment? So, like, vibrators? This is a kids show!

The truck swerves, a crate falls out, bounces on the road, breaks apart, then the contents: some sort of contraption with a red beeping light at the top, perfectly falls through a manhole and lands in the sewer.

Super Friends Contraption

Sewer rats approach the blinking red light, and then their eyes turn red, and then they start running around the city attacking people.

Ok, you all, this episode is actually disturbing. Why? Because mad, frenzied, hungry packs of rats are genuinely frightening. Especially when all the rats are the size of small dogs and want to make a phone call (probably to call more rats).

Super Friends So many rats

 

Later, at the Hall of Justice

“Thousands of rats are swarming all over the city, something’s working them into a frenzy,” says the official looking man on the monitor.

“Holy Swiss cheese, Batman!” And a million flesh hungry rats roll their eyes.

This week, Black Vulcan is on the case along with Batman and Robin. This is an upgrade considering he was stuck with Aquaman during his last appearance.

Also, last time I thought his name was Black Falcon, so I apologize to Mr. Vulcan for getting his name wrong.

All these rats are probably under the age of twelve so I bet they paid child prices.

As Batman and Robin approach in their helicopter, they see a swarm of rats rushing into see a movie.

Super Friends Big Bucks

Well, duh. Big Buck$ staring Homer Ambro was only the biggest blockbuster of 1977, of course the frenzied rats would want to see it. Remember that scene when Homer Ambro is all, “I may have big bucks, but that doesn’t mean I have a small heart,” and then he flips that quarter to that kid with the terrible cough living in a dumpster? But it’s really a quarter that’s worth a ton of money to collectors, which is nice and all, but you’re kind of like, “why don’t you just give the kid a lot of actual money or take him to the hospital?” I’m not sure why this movie was so popular now that I think of it.

Anyway, the rats didn’t seem very impressed with the film, so they decide to attack all the other patrons. Well, that patrons in the balcony, specifically.

Batman and Robin try to grappling hook their way to the balcony, but oh no! The rats are chewing the cables!

Super Friends Rat Revenge

This leaves Robin perilously hanging from the balcony, and right before he plummets to his death and is eaten by rats, Batman swoops in and saves him.

Super Friends Batman Saves Robin

Black VULCAN then throws a lightning bolt at the rats and wrangles them into a “lightning fence,” keeping them from the balcony people. And then he’s all, “now we have to find out what’s causing the rats to go berserk,” as if he’s corralled all of them. NO YOU DIDN’T, Black Vulcan,

Super Friends Not Enough Rats

There are at most 35 rats right there. I believe the number was “thousands.” So, either nobody in the Super Friends universe knows how to count, or, no, that’s probably it.

Let’s Solve a Rat Mystery!

“According to the Bat Computer read out, a high pitched electronic sound wave is disturbing the rats.”

Super Friends Computer Read Out

If it’s that easy, why didn’t they just split up and have one of them working on the cause? Oh, there I go, backseat superheroing again.

Robin notices that a newspaper has a headline related to this issue:

Super Friends Newspaper

You can always count on the Daily Banner for the hard-hitting, detailed, important news in Gotham City.

“Later, at the New 200 Story Gotham Hotel” – Narrator

They even sprung for a sign:

Super Friends Gotham Hotel

Boy are they going to be kicking themselves when the next 200 story hotel gets built.

A swarm of rats show up. Ok, so they didn’t assume they got them all? It’s almost like  there wasn’t much thought put into any of this.

Black Vulcan is off to rush through the sewers to find the exotic electronic device, and Batman and Robin race to the hotel, where it’s reported that the rats are making their way to the ballroom.

At this point, I’m getting sad that the rats aren’t going to win.

At the ballroom, they chase a bunch of well dressed people into the elevator, where the elevator then overloads, and Batman and Robin stop it from crashing to the ground with their bat accessories.

Back at the sewer

Black Vulcan has found the electronic device.

Super Friends Rat Pile

He then throws a couple of bolts and shorts out the device, returning all the rats to their normal, still terrifying selves.

Health Segment

This is a very 1970s message about how to properly get a base tan so you don’t burn on your first attempt in the sun. Aquaman tells us to slowly build our sun exposure as we build a nice tan. We may even need to use sunscreen those first couple of times.

Super Friends No Burn

 

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Beach Week and the Aging Process

Last week was beach week for some of my extended family on my mom’s side. There were five children 6 and under, two on the way, so next year is gonna be even more nuts.

Here’s the thing about the beach: I do not like to sit in the sun. Or just be in the sun in general. I like it when it is sunny outside, and I like to enjoy that from the shade if the temperature is below 75 degrees. At least at the beach it’s windy, otherwise it would be too awful for me.

The other thing is the ocean. What. a. bitch. “Oooh, I’m cool and refreshing and so much fun! Come on in! GET THE FUCK OUT.” I’m assuming it’s a fitness and age issue – but I don’t have the stones for it so much anymore. I used to just run in, hurl myself over the waves, get past the breakers, and then stand around avoiding being violently ushered out by the huge waves. That’s pretty much the fun of being in the ocean if you’re not surfing or boogie boarding. I used to love boogie boarding, but as you get older, and as you feel your face hit a carpet of seashells after a rough ride, you start to realize how delicate the neck is and how important it is to have it intact and holding up your head, keeping you mobile and such.

I do not endorse this terrifying product. I just needed a picture for this post and it's the only one that was on my phone.

I do not endorse this terrifying product. I just needed a picture for this post and it’s the only one that was on my phone.

Because of all the small kids, two years ago the family decided to rent a beach house with a pool so that the kids could actually swim around without everyone being afraid of them being carried off to sea. This has turned out to be a a great decision considering all the staggered schedules of the kids (naps, meals, etc.) and the ability for the people with babies to still be able to interact with the family instead of sitting around with a monitor during naptime all by your lonesome. It’s also good for the lazy, sad people with a third beach issue (including me): applying sunscreen.

I also hate putting on sunscreen. This is for several reasons. One is that the surface area that needs to be covered has grown to it’s largest ever (that’s even with a swim shirt and board shorts). Second, I try to use the most natural sunscreen I can. I don’t know if anyone has tried applying this shit, but it’s a workout. This kind of stuff doesn’t just glide on, you have to bully it into covering your skin. And then, when you have it all on, it’s like you’ve constructed a white, sticky,  shirt, pants, and mask for yourself. I just feel gross covered in sunscreen.

Of course, all of this adds up to the guilt of of feeling like a huge spoiled brat. Oh, poor baby in the giant beach house with the pool doesn’t like to put on sunscreen and thinks the beautiful ocean is mean to her.

Growing up, we went to the beach every year starting at about age 11 for me. I always thought it was so lame that the adults mainly liked to sit in rocking chairs on the porch and chat and read a book. I still don’t like to sit around all day, but as I’ve gotten lamer older, I do see the appeal.

Luckily, the kids keep us youngish.  Once the sunscreen is actually on, and you’re in the pool, it’s a great time. Until, of course, you have to be a courteous adult and then get out of the pool and actually go to the bathroom to pee. Stupid courtesy.

Boy, for someone who just had a nice week at the beach, that sure was a complain-y post. More positive highlights and observations to come.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 12 – Magic Trick

This week it’s time to visit the Super Friends Magic Theater again!

Batman and Robin are here to teach us a trick, standing strangely side by side like a couple of robots:

Super Friends Magic Bots

Robin is showing us the “Mysterious Egg Trick,” and he needs a purse from the audience.

Wait, the audience? What? They’ve never had an audience before. I think this is an elaborate cover up to disguise the fact that we all know damn well that Batman and Robin own purses, I mean, “utility belts.”

“Robin tells me that he will empty the purse and then, after showing that the purse is empty, he will mysteriously find an egg in that purse.” – Batman, needing something to do, so he describes in excruciating detail exactly what we are about to see.

Actually, I found a much more interesting magic trick:

1. Robin empties the purse on to the table:

Super Friends Purse

 

2. And then, when they cut to the wide shot – ALL OF HER SHIT IS GONE:

Super Friends All Gone

MAGIC!!!!

And, just as Batman prophesied, an egg magically appears in the purse.

Super Friends Purse Egg

How did they do it?

“Before Robin even announced the trick, he gave me an egg.” – Batman

When Batman was checking to see that the purse was empty, HE was adding the egg! Amazing.

But here’s the kicker. Robin exclaims that they better get back to the show (the actual stories where they’re supposed to be saving people and things), and then they LITERALLY DISAPPEAR.

disappear

So you’ll teach us how to place an egg in a purse but an actual cool trick isn’t on the table, just like the volunteer’s purse contents. Whatever.

Also, shouldn’t you use a boiled egg? I think that would be an important tidbit to pass on to the small children who may try this trick.  But what do I know – I can’t magically vanish into thin air THANKS TO A CERTAIN CRIME FIGHTING DUO.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.