Cannibalistic Nerd

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 14, Storyline A – “Frozen Peril”

Original Airdate – December 3, 1977

Opening: “An island, somewhere in the Pacific, where an evil plan is brewing that will threaten 2/3 of the Earth.” – Narrator

Sculpin’s the name, freezing the Earth’s oceans is his game!

He’s got a hydro freeze ray and he’s not afraid to use it! And that he does.

You would think since the oceans are frozen, Aquaman is out of luck but no, he and Superman are working this case.

Turns out his jet ski also works as a snowmobile.

Superman spots a stranded freighter in the area where it was reported the oceans first started to freeze.

“Just before everything froze, we picked up a fast movin’ object on radar,” says the jolly round captain.

 

Notice that Superman forgot to put on his boots this morning.

The captain explains that the ship that caused the oceans to freeze kept moving on the ice and headed south. “The only thing south of here is Jungle Island and Storm Island,” says Aquaman. Those sound like fun putt putt courses.

Meanwhile, at Jungle Island…

“Our next operation is to cut up the ice into giant blocks with the heat laser and sell them to the barren desert countries of the world. The first delivery will be to the Gobi Desert.” – Sculpin

Whaaa? Who wants big chunks of frozen salt water filled with dead whales and sharks?

Aquaman arrives and knows exactly who it is. He uses a heat ray to “melt a tunnel through the ice” to get to Sculpin’s ship. He’s confident he’ll get through undetected.

Then, while hanging off the side of the ship, he swings himself up onto the boat and breaks free, and he looks SO proud.

And I have to begrudgingly admit, in the world of Super Friends, that’s pretty impressive considering they can rarely free or save themselves from anything.

Aquaman then uses the classic move of trapping the henchmen in lifesavers.

Well, that was short-lived.

Aquaman then gets hit with a freeze ray and we’re back to where we started.

Superman sees nothing at Storm Island and heads on over to Jungle Island.

Here’s your big worthless sheet of ice, where do you want it?

Sculpin heads off to the Gobi Desert to deliver the first ice package.

I think he’d make more money marketing that helicopter than can drag around humongous sheets of ice with one little cable.

Superman follows them to the desert.

“Later, at the Gobi Desert”

“Thanks, Superman. That’s what I call a warm greeting.” – Aquaman, after Superman frees him with his heat vision. He must have spent that whole time in the ice block coming up with that one.

Ohhh, Sculpin is then MELTING the water to create lakes and such in the desert. I guess. Anyway, he tries to escape and Aquaman chases after him.

Aquaman uses his telepathic powers on a whale. There are multiple problems here.

Also, if you look at the previous picture of the sheet of ice, it doesn’t look nearly thick enough to hold a whale.

Anyway, the whale catches Sculpin in his little underwater getaway mobile and returns him to Superman and Aquaman.

“Later, with the oceans of the world defrosted and back to normal” – Narrator

“I hope he learns that only through honest efforts can problems be solved without creating new ones.” – Aquaman

Yeah, I’m sure he’ll learn.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 13, Storyline D – “Tibetan Raiders”

Original Airdate – November 26, 1977

Magic Trick:

Yet again, they have Aquaman underwater doing a magic trick, this time with NEWSPAPER. As the newspaper would be a pulpy blob and therefore unusable, out of protest, I shall not waste another moment on it.

Introduction: “High above Tibet, over the Himalayas, a Tibetan airline jet fights its way through the turbulent stormy skies.” – Narrator

Lightning strikes the plane, and what’s supposed to be a bunch of sparks actually looks like a pretty bad flesh wound.

 

The captain is either really concerned about the plane or has just been shown his mustache in a mirror.

They decide to prepare for an emergency landing. Which, they accomplish, with somehow simultaneously having everyone safe and breaking the plane in half. Impressive.

And now they’re grounded and stuck in a blizzard. Looks like a job for…

Superman and Flash

“If it’s time you’re concerned with, my super speed will get me there in a flash.” – Flash. Get it? Flash? Like his name and also like the descriptive word?

“We’ll leave immediately!” – Superman, inviting himself along. The narrator says he streaks into the sky, but he DOES have his costume on.

But, there are more, much bigger holes.

Three guys shiver around a cracked door. One says, “we’ll freeze if we don’t get that door covered up.”

After some negative Nellie “they’ll never reach us in time” talk, we pan out to see…these guys!

T-t-t-tibetan Raiders! Dontcha just hate looking out of your freezing cold split-in-half plane thinking someone has come to rescue you only to find out they’re Tibetan Raiders. And on a MONDAY – that’s the worst (I’m taking creative license and assuming it’s a Monday).

FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID DOOR!

“Hurry, we must barricade the door! The Raiders prey on hopeless travelers!”

The Raiders humor everyone and easily pull the door down.

Meanwhile…

Superman and Flash aimlessly wander around looking for the downed plane. A lookout for the Raiders (these guys are better organized than the superheroes) spots them and warns the others.

Some of the Raiders drag the tail end of the jet away as a decoy, while the others bury the plane under an avalanche of snow. That’s cold. Sorry.

This is where the plan falls apart.

The Raiders don’t really have a good approach when it comes to overpowering superheroes. They try to lasso both Superman and Flash, and it doesn’t work (I gave them a 60/40 chance of it working).

The Raiders give the location of the buried plane up pretty easily. I was disappointed.

Superman and Flash find the plane, and from high above, the Tibetan Raider leader tells no one in particular out loud that they will soon also be buried along with the plane.

Nice try, but you’ve only provided Superman with the makings of the most obnoxious snowball fight snowball ever.

And he’s totally the type to throw this monster then immediately tell everyone he can hear his mom calling him home for dinner.

Flash digs out the plane and they save the day. Then, Flash tells them that “if you ever need us, we’ll be back in a flash.” Ok, dude, this story is like six minutes long – that’s one too many puns, and the same pun, too.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 13, Safety Segment

Original Airdate – November 26, 1977

Let me ask you this: let’s say you’re Wonder Woman, and you’re flying around in your invisible jet, as you like to do, and you see two young boys in a backyard messing around on the lawn.

Do you:

A. Think, “how nice, some kids are getting some fresh air camping in the back yard.”

or

B. Think, “holy fucking shit, those kids are gonna eat some weeds from the yard!”

Well, I’ll have you know if you answered A – you are a shitty Wonder Woman and you have two weed-eating kids’ fates on your head. And if you answered B – good for you although how in the hell you knew from that distance they were gathering random plants to eat is a little confusing.

“Uh, that looks like trouble down there,” you’d say, inexplicably able to differentiate two kids digging in the yard for worms and two dummies collecting grass to eat.

And, you’d be right! Impressive.

“These are gonna make great salad greens for our camp out supper,” one says to the other, proving you to be an insightful and not in any way paranoid Wonder Woman who maybe just assumed because you didn’t want to actually do any work saving anybody that day.

“I wouldn’t eat those if I were you, some of the plants growing in yards are dangerous or even poisonous if you eat them,” you’d say, all smug.

“Maybe we should ask my mom for some salad stuff out of the refrigerator,” the child would respond. And for some reason you wouldn’t be suspicious of two young boys who seem to be obsessed with eating salads for dinner – surely they are pod people/alien imposters, but oh no, why do any extra work?

No, you get back in your jet, head back to the Justice League and clock out, feeling you’ve done your superheroing for the day.

The End.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.

Super Friends Season 2, Episode 13, Storyline A – “The Man-Beasts of Xra”

Original Airdate – November 26, 1977

Introduction: “New Orleans, a city asleep before the dark hours of dawn, unaware of a terrifying presence.” – Narrator

The terrifying presence are these two, oh I don’t know, I guess I’ll call them “Man-Beasts,” deciding to tour the zoo after hours.

I found them more confusing than terrifying because they decided to jump the actual gate instead of just going to either side of it and hopping over the little wall like any smart man-beast would do.

Another in a line of extremely unsafe Super Friends zoos.

What kind of crazy unsafe zoo is this?

Did the elephant give his word that he wouldn’t trample over the little wall and the tiger promise that he wouldn’t walk through the bars?

So, as you’ve all guessed, the man-beasts take a bunch of the animals.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice

Maybe he was actually being projected onto the screen?

He tells the Super Friends that the animals are missing. This is a job for Batman, Robin, and Superman.

On the way, they pass a billboard, which has me completely stumped:

Which inspired this conversation with Tom:

Me: What do you think this is a billboard for?

Tom: Cigarettes? Pot?

Me: I GUESS it could be cigarettes but that seems odd for a kid’s show.

Tom: What did you think it was? Tampons?

Me: NO, I thought it was maybe a book and a piece of chalk.

Tom: “Buy a book and a piece of chalk!”

Me: Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense.

So your best guesses are more than welcome.

Later, after the narrator proclaims that they have “streaked” into the night yet again…

The animators had some troubles this episode. First, the leaking man, then they just couldn’t get Batman’s logo right. Apparently, it changes depending on his mood and/or the position of his arm:

There was also a moment where the poor animator was so sleepy and exhausted, he just couldn’t bother drawing the actual bat:

While at the zoo, Batman and Robin spy a Panther Man Beast and follow him to….

I’m starting to think this is the same mansion and all the villains just rent it.

Meet Dr. Xra, of “The Man-Beasts of Xra” title fame.

We finally meet our villain, Dr. Xra, who’s doing major genetic testing and modifications.

“By crossing the cells of humans and animals, I have created a half human-half animal mutation. Soon I will create the perfect being with the strength and cunning of an animal and the intelligence of a man.”

Where did Dr. Xra get her degree? Humans ARE animals. Stupid Xra.

Also, she likes purple:

The Super Friends arrive at the mansion and and like the polite superheroes they are, they ring the doorbell. Dr. Xra must also be a polite and gracious hostess since she tells Panther Man and Wolf Man to “take care” of her guests.

“Holy silent butlers.” – Robin

Robin is more surprised that a door opened by itself than the half man/half beast creatures roaming around.

Batman, Superman, and Robin then get in a big fight with the welcoming committee. Superman tells Wolf Man, “hasn’t anyone told you it’s impolite to interrupt?”

Interrupt what? Them wandering around in the foyer not knowing where to go or what to do?

Superman gets Wolf Man tangled up in a chandelier and then Batman and Robin dispense of Panther man by squeezing “Fast Drying Bat Superglue” on him. Batman instructs Robin, “and be sure to squeeze out equal portions.” What a bossy control freak.

And then…

Superman finds Dr. Xra in her laboratory and she releases the zoo animals, demanding that they attack him. Then there’s an homage to The Graduate,

and then Superman says to himself that he has to cage the animals without hurting them. Which he does by lifting up the floor while each animal conveniently slides into it’s own cage.

Dr. Xra is now on the run in the swamps of Louisiana.

They easily capture her and then take the animals to the “Justice League Computer,” where it reverses the process and makes them normal again.

Then, they visit the zoo and Batman gets his face eaten off by the wolf because of stupidity and wide bars.

Well, they don’t actually SHOW it, but obviously that’s what happens.

If you would like to see these shenanigans for yourself, Season 2 is available on DVD.