I Love-Hate You, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is a bunch of glorious bullshit. It is so corporate, sponsors sponsor sponsors – “The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade brought to you by NBC presents the cast of Annie courtesy of McDonalds.” That’s really not an exaggeration.

It’s awful. I watch it every year and love each terrible minute. Why? I’m not sure. It’s cheesy. It’s a wall to wall advertisement save for the occasional school band or cheerleading squad. Why would anyone want to watch it?  It’s tradition. Tradition is a very powerful lure. But, more than that, I kinda like watching people sell their souls. I know that makes me sound like a terrible person and I don’t  have any response to that. There’s just something about a musician who wants to be taken seriously as an artist having to lip sync a cheesy song on the Build-A-Bear parade float while a bunch of furries cavort about that warms my heart. And also listening to the absolute bollocks river of banter and product placements that the hosts have to vomit out of their Turkey day mouths. Real example: “”Hamburger Helper gives us a float to remember.” They had to say that!

Because this isn’t at all scary.

And let’s not forget the balloons! I can’t see the giant balloons without remembering the scene in the 1989 Batman movie where the Joker tries to kill the entire city with poisoned giant parade balloons. I don’t hope that this happens at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. But, I don’t want to miss it if it does.

Another game I like to play is “What Will be the Most Embarrassing Clip to Watch in Ten Years Time.” The possibilities are endless! Here’s some examples (people with heart conditions, sense of decency, or allergies to train wrecks should not watch) they are really bad quality, too, just to add to the mood:

I wrote the thing about The Joker BEFORE I found this clip.

Let’s remember: someone had to actually write this song, then she had to learn it, then she had to pre-record it, then she had to learn dance moves to it.

Remember when Victoria Jackson seemed sane riding around on a giant snail? Also, Phyllis Diller, RIP, this is EXACTLY how one should behave performing in this parade. I’m serious.

Jordan Knight of NKOTB gives up on lip synching about halfway through (unless one of the other New Kids sings that line, I bet someone knows! Show yourself!). I also LOVE that Donnie looks positively delighted that children have no food to eat or a place to go.

There’s a very good chance I will be live-tweeting this marvelous event, so please stop by and laugh at things with me: @cannibal_nerd

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27 thoughts on “I Love-Hate You, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

  1. I have always said that I’m missing the gene that actually finds any enjoyment in parades that isn’t a little bit perverse (kind of hoping for a float failure or the hosts freezing their asses off/letting slip a cuss word.) How is watching this a thing, other than an antiquated tradition? The only reason I used to kind of like parades when I was little was because they would throw candy off the floats. Watching it on TV? Not an option.

    • At least if you watch it on TV you can see in high definition that they are freezing their asses off.

      If you don’t watch it, how will you know how delicious Hamburger Helper is and that it somehow relates to the third runner-up on American Idol singing Little Drummer Boy?

  2. I watch it every year and get so bored about halfway through, I end up giving up. I grew up watching it. Not sure why…

    Now my kids are hooked, so the tradition continues. I always hope for some tragic balloon collision that could entertain me for a bit.

  3. OH I love to live tweet this too. Last year though I said something about a song and the SINGER TWEETED ME BACK. I felt like an ass. It’s not fun to make fun of people to their face. Just behind their backs.

  4. Yeah, we would wake up super-early as my mom was putting the bird in the oven and hang out with her and watch it. We were probably cramming Frosted Flakes down our gullets and waiting to see our favorite giant floaty characters. It’s nostalgic, that’s why you watch it. It’s so awful, too. That’s why you watch it.

  5. Hi, I am a new reader :) I never considered the absurdities of the Thanksgiving parade before now, but you are right, those giant balloons are terrifying! That being said, there is a large, glory-whore part of me that would love to be on the Build-A-Bear float, dancing with the bears and blowing kisses to the audience while the pop star sings the cheesy song. I blame that scene in Ferris Bueller.

  6. I’ve never watched the parade, but had I known you were going to tweet through it, I might have given it a go.

    Side note – unfortunately I lived in Hollywood for ten years, and the Sunday after Thanksgiving they have the Hollywood Christmas parade. I lived in four different apartments during my time there, on different streets (but in the same general vicinity), and I kid you not, every year I happened to live on the street where they kept all the horses. Every. Single. Year. It would smell of manure for days afterward. It was awful.

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